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Is a Language Barrier in a Relationship a Problem?

Hey readers,

Another interesting question brought up. Is a language barrier in a relationship a problem. Now, this particular question was directed at intercultural couples who have two different languages (let's say English and Spanish).

Here's my take on it.

Language barrier in a relationship is a problem. What makes it a problem is that emotional development is part of what makes a relationship work. Conversation is key in getting to know someone, how they feel, what they want in life, what their dreams are, what they find appropriate or not, what they think and feel about big issue topics (like relationships, for example) and so on.

Physical connectivity can only take you so far, then things just fall apart. That's great for flings, but not if you're talking about a legit 'relationship' which in my book doesn't count flings or expiration dating (dating someone knowing that there will be an end to it).

Learning your SO's language or your SO learning yours can work but it's going to be a pain in the butt, because you can't learn languages over night. You'll have to deal with a lot of misunderstandings and frustrations for not being able to express yourself the way you want or need to.

It's a really romantic and lovely idea to think that love transcends all obstacles. I think this is true, once love has established its place in the relationship. However, because I believe that romantic love to be something that develops and grows and not something that simply "is", I can't agree with people who think "If it's true love, the language barrier won't matter!" because how can you develop a loving relationship if you know very little about your partner?

So many people these days speak more than one language. But if you can speak the same language as your partner then it shouldn't be considered a language barrier. To me a language barrier is when there is significant issue with communication because of language differences.

Later an example of a deaf woman and her partner were brought up. The argument was that these two people made their relationship work (and are still together) even though the woman's partner wasn't able to sign. They used text messaging and writing to communicate.

I'd like to point out that technically there wasn't a language barrier in this situation. The two were still able to communicate using written text. They were able to express themselves and have conversations using the same language, which is different than an issue between two people who don't speak the same language at all, because there's no 'we'll communicate like this until...' option. Your only form of communication when there is no language is physical and, as I said before, I believe that physical communication falls painfully short of verbal.

Of course you still need both! Some people respond better to physical expressions of love (getting flowers, having their hand held and so on), so that is certainly important to have. And okay, you're fine with not being able to have a deep conversation with your partner, maybe you're not a talker.

But when a problem arises how are you supposed to work it out if you can't explain yourself or talk about it?

You can only show so much before your life becomes a hilariously irritating game of charades. And what you're talking about is entirely physical. 'Language of the body' suggests a lot of touching, or smiling, or laughing. Remove language and communication from all of those things and you've got sex or a really awkward rendition of the 'Quite Game". Showing your partner you care for them via physical touch, or expression, or body language can only go so far. And really, if there's been no real communication previously why are you two even together? Mostly because there's a physical connection, and that's totally fine! Being attracted to your partner is super important, but you can't rely on just that.

"If you tried the other person would understand..." Have any of you ever been in a non-communicable relationship before? I have a feeling that the majority haven't, which is why there's so much optimism about this situation going around. I'm not saying that it could NEVER work. Obviously there are examples of people who have worked it out. I would lead a guess, though, and say that they certainly aren't the majority.

Aside from personal experience I know numerous other women (who I met while abroad) who were dating men who didn't share their language. There were a lot of issues. They weren't able to go out on regular dates together because neither of them could communicate well and it got frustrating. So dinner, coffee, and sitting out in the park (as was popular to do) was out of the question. Dates which didn't require much conversation were mostly on the agenda (movies and so on). Other activities which didn't require much conversation also took over which began to make their relationships entirely physical. Again, imo, a purely physical relationship is more likely to fall to pieces very quickly.

There are people out there who have made it work, sure, I know a couple (white woman, Korean man. They met while she was teaching English in Korea) who are married now. She learned Korean for him, but it took years and they certainly struggled. So sure, it's possible.

I think, though, that most of the people meeting someone who didn't speak their language would be going into the 'relationship' solely based on looks, because you really have NOTHING else to go on. If you're up for a challenge and don't mind struggling to see if maybe you could actually grow fond of this person later on (based on something less superficial) then go for it. If that's what you want then there's no reason not to try. I'm just saying that the idea of "If we really care about each other then language won't be a problem" is slightly ridiculous because developing feelings for someone is a little more complicated than recognizing each others attractiveness.

Well, that's my opinion on this topic. At least as it stands. I'd love to have a bigger discussion on this topic. If anyone has any opinions or just flat out doesn't agree with me, please feel free to share.

Until next blog,

~A.

Busan e-FM Week 2: Mosquitoes

About 'Open Mike in Busan'

Introduction

When I was asked to produce a list of weekly topics for my segments on Busan e-FM, I was extremely nervous about where the line could be drawn in terms of talking about life in Korea. So I eased myself into things with an uncontroversial topic I felt we could all identify with. And that topic was mosquitoes. Like all the entries that will follow, what is written below is not an exact transcript of the show, but rather a close approximation of it based on my script and script notes, as an article without the interview-format interjections and verbal errors.

Mosquitoes

We have them in England, but generally not the biting, blood-sucking kind. So you just don’t think about them – although because of climate change the blood-sucking, disease-carrying type of mosquito is becoming more of a problem these days in England.

My first Korean mosquito experience came on only my second night in Busan, when I was woken by a sudden high-pitched buzzing. I wasn’t prepared for that – I didn’t know they buzzed.

No-one told me about the buzzing

I jumped up in bed. Perhaps I wasn’t properly awake, but it’s probably instinctive because we have a lot of bees and wasps where I’m from. My girlfriend said “it’s just a mosquito”, but I couldn’t go back to sleep because I knew it was going to come after me again.

So it was me or the mosquito. The light went on – much to my girlfriend’s disgust – and I searched for it. We were living in a one-room apartment back then, but that meant it was a big room. It took some time to find it. Then I attacked it with the only weapon I had, which was some insect spray.

I gave it a good spray, but it didn’t have any effect. In fact, I sprayed it around three times after that before it worked. And each time it flew away, so it took me about ten minutes to find again. By the time I’d finished – embarrassingly – I’d been chasing it from around 3am to 4.30am, and the room stank of insect spray so I could hardly breathe. And that’s how I spent my second night in Busan.

It might have been easier to ignore it

Now I know it would have been easier to ignore it. But I’m English - I think it’s in our national character sometimes to be quite stubborn and determined in the face of adversity. That said, British people of our grandparents’ generation had a lot of experience in places in South East Asia such as Malaysia and Singapore with the War and National Service – so you grow up hearing a lot of horror stories about Malaria – and at some level it gives you a fear of mosquitoes – even though I know that Malaria isn’t a big problem in Korea.

Mosquitoes are rather ubiquitous in Korea, but I wasn’t chasing mosquitoes every night – just most nights. But I switched to using a newspaper to kill them because of the smell of the spray. What I couldn’t figure out was how they were getting into the apartment in the first place. It was a one-room, on the first floor with a road right outside the window, so because of the noise – and smell – I kept the window shut and came in through the narrowest gap in the door you can imagine. But still, the mosquitoes mysteriously appeared most nights.

Mosquito bites

So you would think that eventually I must have had my first mosquito bite, but while I did the stupid thing was that I only got bitten a couple of times – they almost always went after my girlfriend instead. I don’t think they were used to foreign food. But having said that, I went back to England for a while, and when I came back to Korea then I was really on the menu. It was just one bite after another. I don’t know why. I wouldn’t have minded so much if all the blood I was losing meant I lost a little weight, but no, that didn’t happen.

One night I really couldn’t find the mosquito even though I’d heard it – so I pulled the covers over my face to protect me. Then, in the middle of the night, even though the cover was still over my face, I half-woke up and realised that my arm was itching – and I could see a new mosquito bite on it. So I panicked and threw back the covers thinking it was in bed with me.

Well, I didn’t find it, so maybe it wasn’t. But what I’d like to know is how that happened. I mean really, how did that happen? How do they do it? How do I get bitten, hiding under the bed covers? I didn’t think Korea was going to be like this.

No more newspaper

Fortunately, it wasn't back to sleepless nights chasing them with a newspaper. I was at a friend’s house and she had a mosquito net hung from the ceiling. Now, we can’t really put holes in our ceiling because our apartment is rented, but after some Internet research my wife ordered a mosquito tent. It came in a fairly small circular package which sort of explodes out into something which covers the entire bed. I think that’s the best investment I ever made in Korea – it’s really great.

The second best investment was buying one of those electrified mosquito swatters – the ones that look like small tennis racquets. I kind of gathered they might be a bit dangerous – in fact I read that last year almost 200 people were injured by them. The first time I turned ours on huge sparks flew off the wires – so it was obvious it was going to either kill the mosquitoes – or me. It’s been very effective though – and obviously I haven’t managed to kill myself with it yet...

Would they sell them in England?

I think that’s one of the great things about Korea in a way – that you can actually buy something like this, even though it might be a bit dangerous. I can’t see that they would sell them in England – we’re very concerned with health and safety there.

A Korean told me once that in the West, if you walk near a construction site and something falls on you, then someone is to blame. In Korea, if something falls on you, well, maybe that’s your fault, or just your bad luck. You can’t blame anyone else. Of course, they meant it as a bit of a joke – an exaggeration – but I have wondered sometimes if it’s really so far from the truth. I’ve noticed that people here don’t quite have the same attitude to safety that British people have.

And I do miss that a little – but sometimes that can be a good thing, because it means that I can buy one of those electric mosquito swatters, and you know what? If I burn down the apartment with it, then I figure it’s my fault. I’m sure in England we’d sue the manufacturer; it would be a big scandal if the product were dangerous. I think I should be allowed to buy it – knowing the risks – and then it’s my fault if something goes wrong.

So am I becoming a little bit Korean?

So perhaps I’m becoming a little bit Korean. But it doesn’t mean I’m not still surprised by things though. During the summer I saw one of those trucks that sprays chemicals – insecticide – around the streets. It drove around a local school – the children were all out playing football and they disappeared in a cloud of smoke. This happened every two weeks after that. As a foreigner – that really, really, surprised me. I mean it can’t be healthy can it?

Having said that, my wife used to run behind the trucks that were spraying chemicals when they drove through the local streets – I guess it seemed fun to run through the smoke, and I suppose it hasn’t affected her. She used to do that when she was a child by the way – not recently – because that would be a bit disturbing.

Peace in our time

Will there be peace in our time with the mosquitoes. I’m not sure there will. It just seems like the most natural reaction in the world to want to get them before they get me. But when I happen to talk about chasing mosquitoes around in the middle of the night to my Korean friends, they just seem to think my behaviour is funny, or crazy, or maybe both.

Links
Busan e-FM
Inside Out Busan

Air date: 2010-11-03 @ ~19:30

Busanmike.blogspot.com
 
Twitter:  @BusanMike
YouTube: /BusanMikeVideo
Flickr:  /busanmike
 

Korean Comics


Dad: ??
Ad: Toys and dolls at half price (not second hand) the owner is crazy!! / 50% sale!!
Mom: Ganji? Do you like mommy? Do you like daddy?
Son: I like mommy!!!
Dad: This little brat! You like mommy better even though daddy always plays with you like that?
Son: Ouch! I like mommy better.
Dad: Ahah. The brat.
Store clerk: Welcome!
Dad: Daddy brought presents!!!
Dad, to the girl: There! This one makes noise! (I think there might be a pun on 소리 which can mean both "sound" and "profit" but I'm actually quite unsure about the translation on that one)
Girl: Thank you!
Son: Waa! Daddy what's the thing for me? A robot?
Dad: There's nothing for you.



Summary:
After dying from an accident a man is in heaven. 
He is sad because his girl

friend is still alive and she's the type of girl that cries a lot.
He wishes he could be by her side to wipe off her tears.
Three years later his wish is granted and he is reincarnated as a tissue box in his girlfriend's room.
A guy comes in and ask her to do it, just once. She refuses but he insists so she leaves and tells him he should go away fast too.
Instead the guy looks inside her drawers, finds her panties and uses the entire tissue box (which is the reincarnated guy).


The incident of the stolen wallet in the women's bath changing room
- Manager, there's been a theft in the changing room of the women's bath
- Oh?
- Since you say it, this girl is the criminal!
- Oh!!! How do you know it's me?
- I saw everything on the CCTV.
 

I PITY THE FOOL

Yesterday was my dad's birthday. He would have been 70, but, like my mother, he only reached the age of 66. They died less than a year apart, and though the wound still bleeds, it has gotten better. It really has. What was once a gnawing sadness is now just a long sigh.

A photograph of my parents graces this desk, this center of my apartment where I spend much of my time and do all of my work. It was taken at my grandparents' old beach house on Hood Canal, back home in Washinton State. My old man is sitting down, with his hands in his lap. He wears a black and blue polo shirt and shaded glasses. The sky is is a mixture of blues and greys, early summer Northwest clouds, obscuring the Olympic mountains in the background. His natural grin stretches ear to ear; he is relaxed, vibrant, and absolutely happy. This comes as no surprise because he was alway happy at the Canal. It was a case of geography in the blood; the saltwater from that inlet coursed through his veins, and trace amounts of his ashes are suspended in its depths. My mother stands behind him ("Stand by your maaaaaan"), hands on his shoulders, wearing a red Nike jacket over a red and white country style shirt. Her hair is as grey as his and she smiles uneasily, reflecting a lifetime wariness of the camera. If my dad was the big ham, my mother was always more content to do her work from the wings. I've always thought I took after my mother, but in this respect, I carry the old man's torch.

Last night I hosted The Ha-Ha Hole, which is the little comedy open mike that I started here in Busan a year and half ago. The Hole, as we call it, has grown. What was originally three or four folks ranting into the microphone is now at least ten (last night we had 12, including me). It's a hell of a time, an excuse for a group of expats and locals to get together, drink some booze, and have a laugh. Before the show I thought about the old man. I heard his thunderous guffaw and felt his voice vibrate in my bones. When I got on the mike I acknowledged his birthday and even tried to crack a few jokes on his behalf. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

"What's the best thing about having dead parents?"

"I can put whatever I want on facebook - links to bukkake sites, status updates praising Hitler - it doesn't matter... It's not like I'm going to horrify anyone I REALLY care about."

Crass? Maybe. Tasteless? Sure. But I gotta try to wring some mirth out of this thing. The alternative is misery. Anyway, I miss the old man and the world misses his laugh, which is still unequaled by even a room full of folks at a comedy show. His was just too big and too deep.

Happy birthday, pops.

Poll results for March 2011 – one wish for Korea and planning a trip?

March 2011 polls:

Your one wish for Korea (readers in Korea – select ONE):

Let me do something other than teach English (25%, 31 Votes)
Try critical thinking (20%, 25 Votes)
Stop demonizing foreigners (15%, 19 Votes)
Be more polite (14%, 17 Votes)
Stop staring at the waygooks (11%, 14 Votes)
Let me stay for life (10%, 13 Votes)
Learn English well (5%, 6 Votes)

Total Voters: 125

I guess this isn’t too surprising – considering the many skills and talents as most foreigners have, it’s just a matter of figuring out how to match those to jobs in Korea. The language barrier would probably be an issue in some workplaces, however.

 

Are you planning a trip to Korea? (readers not in Korea):

Yes, this summer (32%, 30 Votes)
No, but I wish I could. (24%, 23 Votes)
Yes, this spring (17%, 16 Votes)
Yes – next year baby! (15%, 14 Votes)
Yes, this fall (9%, 9 Votes)
No plans to visit, but Korea’s still cool (2%, 2 Votes)
No, but I live vicariously through your blog (1%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 95

My wonderful readers – welcome to Korea! If you’re on your way to the Seoul area, send me an e-mail :) If our schedules allow it would be fun to catch up.

 

April 2011 polls are up! This month’s questions:

  • Relationships with a local – where do you stand? (readers in Korea – select all that apply)
  • Which of these (if any) would be worth money to you? (For readers around the world – select as many as apply)

If you’re reading this on an RSS feed or another website, travel over to chrisinsouthkorea.com to vote!

 

Creative Commons License © Chris Backe – 2011
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

This post was originally published on my blog, Chris in South Korea. If you are reading this on another website and there is no linkback or credit given, you are reading an UNAUTHORIZED FEED.


 

52 Weeks. #1- At the Hospital

I recently realized that I don’t take personal photos anymore, or if I do they just sit to rot in the dregs of a wayward hard-drive. I tempted myself to start a 52 week project trying to rekindle images and stories from my own life. I love to shoot street, and by no means does this project exclude it, but I’m curious to see if I can keep this going. Suffering from a bad personal memory, maybe this is a way I can keep track of myself.

Week #1, March 27, 2011…At the Hospital. (the end of the world as we know it, 52 weeks in seoul)

Week #1, March 27, 2011
I recently realized that I don’t take personal photos anymore, or if I do they just sit to rot in the dregs of a wayward hard-drive. I tempted myself to start a 52 week project trying to rekindle images and stories from my own life. I love to shoot street, and by no means does this project exclude it, but I’m curious to see if I can keep this going. Suffering from a bad personal memory, maybe this is a way I can keep track of myself.

I’ve been spending way more time than usual waiting in hospital lobbies. This is a curious phenomenon springing from a certain illness acquired by someone very close. Hospitals are frightening places for me and being there days consecutively is a really daunting experience, especially sitting in wards dedicated to highly contagious diseases. I often think of the orderlies who spend hours and hours in that environment and quickly realize I could never have a job in the medical field. It’s not that I am afraid of germs, because I’m really not, It’s more the inevitable fact that our bodies break down…and we get old. And that’s what become so inevitably clear as I sit in the lobbies….waiting.

nikon fe2
nikkor 24mm
fuji provia 400


Filed under: 35mm, 52 weeks in seoul, nikon fe2 Tagged: 52 weeks, hospitals, projects, seoul, slide film, South Korea

Mummy Flower Tea: The Rise of The Bastard Saffron.

 홍화차 Hong-hwa cha or red flower tea. I picked it up from a tea vendor in the narrow crowded streets where Kukjae market turns into Jalgachi. All it said was 호화차 and nothing more. I bought it and brought it home to discover its wonders.
The red flowers when steeped for a mere 30 seconds brings forth a rather strong  amber tea. It had a flavor like lemon peel without the sour bitterness with a light pure honey aftertaste.

My wife and I quickly employed the tea in our meal and soon discovered it easily took away  the onioney aftertaste of Chinese our food. It was quite remarkable in that it removed the onion after taste quite easily while leaving only this gentle honey flavor in its place.

Consulting one of my teabooks I discovered this red flower was "Safflower"or Carthamus Tinctotrius. 새플라워 in the Korean. I then learned that in the culinary arts this flower is often referred to as bastard saffron as it is often used as a cheaper saffron. The book also stated that the rags used to wrap mummies was colored using Safflower giving the mummies wrappings a slightly yellow color  According to Wikipedia however, these flowers were used to form a lovely garland for King Tutankhamun. Later this week I'll try mixing some into my rice.

The flowers in dried form look alot like the near microscopic shrimp you get as a sidedish when you have dweji gookbap as you can see above. This flower tea is rather quite common, they sell it in Nampodong as well as in Someyeon's 오!자네왔는가 teahouse. A particular teahouse I shall be visiting again tomorrow and reviewing for you with menu assistance notes later this week. Till then, stay steeped.

(The book referred to in this article: 차 수첩 by 사쿠야마 와카코 translated by 우제열 part of the 구르메 수첩 series by 우듬지 press ISBN 978-89-91292-67-3 13590).

About the Author

Matthew William Thivierge has abandoned his PhD studies in Shakespeare and is now currently almost half-way through becoming a tea-master (Japanese,Korean & Chinese tea ceremony). He is a part time Ninjologist with some Jagaek studies (Korean 'ninja') and on occasion views the carrying on of pirates from his balcony mounted telescope.

Blogs
About Tea Busan  *   Mr.T's Chanoyu てさん 茶の湯   *  East Sea Scrolls  *  East Orient Steampunk Society

First Blossoms of Spring


Yesterday, when I left school, my colleague and I discovered our first blossoms of spring. So today I decided to truck along the camera and get snapshots of them. Therefore what you see today is a view of my walk home from work.

Compared to last year, I live fairly close to work which is about a 15 - 20 minute walk. You might recall that last year it took me about 40 minutes to get home.
The area I am living sometimes feels like it is a bowl, since there a large mountains nearly surrounding the Nowon area.  On my walk there was one part where a group of three people seemed to hog the whole path.

The walk home has been pleasing since it takes me past a river and the view is pretty interesting.

Here we are, the first blossoms of spring.


I guess these are magnolias...right? Anyways I recall they were first to bloom last year, too.

The rest of today's picture show is what I see on the path I take through the apartment complexes.
There's this oddball playground (above) and nearly in the center of everything is this large industrial stack.
The following is a view of my building.
This neighborhood has a fair share of "trash-cats", which if Tom isn't too lucky he someday could become initiated as one.

Then we stop and see what the view is like while waiting for the elevator. You first have the view of where the apartment Ahjusshi sits in his office. Then the other view of the mailboxes.

I'm looking forward to more blooms and seeing my neighborhood develop from bland to awesome.

North Korea Apologizes…Kind Of

[Caption]We interrupt our coverage of the Obama administration dreaming about removing Muammar Qaddafi and spreading a dictator-neutralizing virus worldwide, to bring you breaking news from North Korea.

The Inspection Group of the DPRK (North Korea) National Defense Commission (NDC) broadcast a press statement over the Korean Central Broadcasting Station about events last year.

“One year has passed since the warship Ch’o'nan (Cheonan) sank in the waters off Paengnyo’ng Island in the West Sea of Korea (Yellow Sea)…. Nonetheless, the incumbent South Korean authorities and military warmongers who are inveterate (sic.) in North-South confrontation and in distrusting their fellow countrymen are continuing to get heated up in kicking up the anti-Republic racket of confrontation, while still linking the incident of the sinking of the warship Ch’o'nan to us and shirking the responsibility for the Yo’np’yo’ng (Yeong Pyeong) Island artillery battle over to us.

Although those who met tragic deaths were the South Korean military men and officers who had pointed their bayonets at us, in the initial wake of the incident of the sinking of the warship Ch’o'nan, we also expressed our regret, as they, too, were members of the same nation.”

Translation: We can still kill all of you capitalist dupes. But, sailors are proles, and they got in our way. Sorry?

This is in the context of negotiations between the US and North Korea in Berlin. (And yes, I do believe “progress” can be measured in process, even when Pyongyang is involved. At least, I haven’t supported the Libyan rebels!)

Ri Gun, director general of the North Korean Foreign Ministry’s North American Affairs Bureau, said closed-door talks in Berlin with former U.S. officials were constructive and allowed both sides to voice their opinions.

Ri said both countries agreed to improve communication and work to solve problems through dialogue and negotiation. Ri would not elaborate further because the meeting was unofficial, and the meeting coordinator said both countries agreed that only North Korea would make a statement. The North Korean delegation was led by Ri and his deputy, Choe Son Hui, and the U.S. delegation was led by Tom Pickering, former undersecretary of state for political affairs at the State Department.

And, for spleen, this comment is priceless: “The issues are not a failure of dialogue, but a failure of North Korea to stop proliferation, halt preparations for a third nuclear test, apologize for sinking a South Korean corvette and pay reparations for destroying an island village.” So, now some part of the North Korean bureaucracy has apologized for sinking the Cheonan – sort of – so I guess peace is just a few generations away. Perhaps, it’s because of the fourth session of the 12th SPA [Supreme People’s Assembly] of the DPRK.

I wonder if this is a South Korean rejoinder – of sorts.

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Filed under: Korea, Maritime, Military, USA Tagged: dprk, libya, north korea, pyongyang traffic girls, ri gun, rok, roks cheonan, South Korea

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