I am going to recap Taiwan in three long posts. I just need words, herbal tea, and time. Memory, be persistent. This is post number one.

All the negative things that occurred during our vacation happened before we arrived in Taiwan. First, my travel partner (Dani, also known by our students as my “special friend”) and I followed this brutal —yet laughable— chain of events:

• Party until dawn on Tuesday, drinking mass amounts of Crown and Coke.
• Sleep a few hours, not shower, teach screaming children at 10am. We reek of booze. Dani actually vomits at work, but I quickly learn that this is not uncommon for my travel buddy.
• Dani makes me dinner at her place. She leaves dirty dishes in her sink, so that when we return from vacation they’re growing limbs. We video chat with her mom while we make last minute lists.
• We rush to HomePlus to buy locks, travel purses, and sneakers. We are fearful of the telltale notorious thieves of Taiwan. We figured we’d lock up all necessary valuables at the hostel, keep our irreplaceable items in travel purses under our clothes, and RUN like mad if we caught someone stealing our stuff.
• We give ourselves 30 minutes to shower and pack for our eight day trip. We waste three minutes of this on Skype when Dani tells me that HomePlus left the security tag on her sneakers. She wastes three minutes freaking out, and I spend three minutes laughing so hard I am literally slobbering all over myself.
• We mad dash down the dark streets of Suyeong to meet our Korean co-worker because her dad is giving us all a ride to the bus. During the commotion my poorly packed 15,000₩ bag breaks and hits the ground. I tend to not panic, but I am notorious for wasting time laughing, so Dani yells some obscenities to pick up what I can of my stuff and continue running down the dark streets. I oblige but keep laughing the rest of the way.
• We take the over-night bus to Incheon Airport. It was unbearably hot and everyone on the bus wakes up in a pool of their own sweat and with condensation on the windows that won’t open. There is no air on the bus because that would cause fan death.
• We get to the airport and Dani frets over the security tag on her shoes and I laugh at my cheap Korean bag. We eat Burger King that doesn’t agree with me. More about that at another time. We sleep on the plane ride.

We did it to ourselves. We must be masochists. The rest of the trip is an endless collage of eating, drinking, walking, laughing, and talking about bodily fluids.

On Wednesday we float through the airport and find an awesome map that Dani loves more than crack and Birkin bags. We take the airbus to Taipei downtown and then wander confused and disheveled because the hostel gave us bad directions and the streets are a navigator’s nightmare the first time you walk them. We spend about twenty minutes being paranoid about being robbed, so the travel purses are inside our shirts. It was too bloody hot. I think I screamed, “I look pregnant, and you look like you have a tumor. I am NOT wearing this travel purse under my shirt!!”

Dani finds her bearings, figures out the general area of our hostel, and the hostel owner actually randomly asks us on the streets if we’re looking for her place! Hells yes! Vanessa at JV’s Hostel in Taipei is a gem. I cannot say enough good things about her and her hostel. We enjoy the good company at the hostel, but since we weren’t exhausted enough, Dani and I decide to check out Taipei 101 and Linjiang Night Market. Dani also threw away a grey shirt she hated in a ceremonial death.

On Thursday, we wandered Taipei Main Station in an attempt to get tickets to the Taroko Gorge with our limited Chinese. We fail. Not because our Chinese is bad (because it is), but because tickets were sold out. Instead we enjoyed a huge department store and spent more time than what is reasonable in a free massage chair called the UYogga. If you ever see one, take off your shoes, lay down, close your eyes, and enjoy the little taste of heaven.

We went to Xinbeitou and I experienced my first hot spring. Wow, those things get hot. I tried the hottest one and could only get my feet in before I exited. Some kind elderly people directed me to the hot spring that was a few degrees cooler. I lasted in that area for a few minutes before exiting. Hot! There was one communication breakdown moment that sticks out for me. I was sitting on top of the rocks, chatting to a nice young Taiwanese gentleman when an old guy started yelling and pointing at me. The guy I was talking to frantically told me to get back in the hot spring. I was afraid I had offended the kind patrons of the hot spring with my revealing bikini. I attempted to hide my bosom and lay low for a bit. I learned later that the trouble was that I had my feet in the hot spring but not my body, and they were worried that I was going to go into cardiac arrest due to this. Well… thanks.

Dani bought a towel for roughly $1.20 USD, which she found outrageous because she had bought a towel the night before for .60 USD. Jacked up prices at the hot spring! Oh noooo!

We ended the night/morning with a rousing game of “Never Have I Ever” with two lovely hostel guests: a Brit (Ed) and Taiwanese native (Chee). We had to teach Chee how to play which led to hilarious results. For example: I said “Never have I ever slept with a co-worker,” and Chee asked, “Sleep in the mouth or sleep in the ass?” I didn’t realize those were the only two options! Apparently, he thought I had said something about SLAPPING! Other things were discussed but I think this is a good stopping point. Posts two and three to follow.