Q: So you are aware that your next ebook, Kingdoms In The Sun, due to be released in a few days, will be completely ignored by every single person currently drawing breath?

A: That’s right. I’ll be doing naked cartwheels in the street if more than five people pay for it.

Q: Are you serious?

A: Yes. I’ll make my wife take pictures and then I’ll post them here with my wang and my ass blurred out. I might have to do the posting from jail…on my phone. I should mention that I live above a street that is rather crowded all day long.

Q: But why do you persist in publishing ebooks when everyone knows you obviously have no talent or aptitude of any kind?

A: I don’t know, it beats jerking off to myself in the mirror.

Q: And you couldn’t even find someone to interview you, so you had to resort to interviewing yourself.

A: That’s right. It’s not really surprising. If I were a journalist, I would have no interest in interviewing me. And if I were a reader, I’d have no interest in reading about me. So I’m interviewing myself. I’m interested in asking the kinds of difficult questions that most people are too polite to throw my way, even though everyone’s thinking them (if they think anything about me at all).

Q: Since publishing your first ebook, what have you achieved?

A: Absolutely nothing. My whole life people were all like, follow your dreams, dude! Do what you love! Stay away from those soulless office jobs! But god damn, I see now why so many people take those office jobs. It’s tough, you know, when you spend a couple of years working on something, and you put it out there, and then nobody cares. It’s a lot easier to spend your life photocopying shit.

Q: But any dumbass can publish an ebook. Everyone knows that.

A: That’s not exactly true. It takes more effort than publishing a blog. If you really think that any asshole can publish an ebook, I suggest you go and try to publish one yourself, and see how long it takes. Posting a blog can take less than a minute; posting an ebook will take at least several hours of concentrated effort.

Q: That’s really impressive.

A: Most people don’t have the perseverance required to follow through with several hours of hard labor on an artistic project, so, yeah, it is, actually. And as for getting people to read your ebook, that’s currently beyond my skills.

Q: So are you going to keep annoying people with your ebooks after this next project inevitably falls flat on its face?

A: I don’t have a choice. I have one more book ready to go. It’s about transexual lesbians in medieval Korea. It’s not pornographic, but I suspect it will be a little more successful than the last two books, which recount a few years of my adventures in Asia. But my son is awake now, so I have to go, or else I’m a bad father.

Q: Thanks for the interview.

A: Don’t mention it!