Earlier today, the Korean government issued a number of new directives aimed at making people aware of the swine flu. Despite many recent stories in the Korean media about the swine flu outbreak, some people are apparently still unaware of what to do. Now translated into English, the first few regulations for Koreans have been summarized as such:

• Avoid foreigners as much as possible, since they don't eat kimchi, and all Koreans know kimchi cures the swine flu.
• Be sure to read the 'washing hands' chart - just before you check your hair and leave the bathroom. If you do wash your hands, be sure to use as little water as possible - and never use soap. Most bathrooms don't have soap anyway.
  
• If your employer requests it, submit to a health check. Have your temperature taken by the same thermometer as everyone else in your office.
• Be sure to cover your cough. Cover your mouth with your hands, then shake the hands of your boss.
  
• Continue visiting spas and public baths, eating out of the same bowls, wearing communal slippers when in the bathroom, and double dipping at the the restaurant.
• Wear a mask that covers your nose and mouth. Be sure to wear it below your chin anytime you're eating or around other people.
• Be sure to buy all the hand sanitizers you can find. Then, put them away in a box and forget about them.
• Finally, don't worry about catching the swine flu if you've never left the country. It's a Mexican disease - Koreans can't catch it.
  

For foreigners living in Korea, the Korean government offers a few suggestions:

• Be sure to call your employer if you're feeling sick, but go into work if you're ordered to.
• If one of your student sneezes, coughs, or appears sick in any way, be sure to let your principal know. Then, go back to teaching. Don't try isolate or move the student in any way from giving a wet Willie or dong chim to the rest of the class - swine flu can't be transmitted in that way.
• If you cough, sneeze, or have a headache, be prepared to be taken to a hospital by a friendly Korean. We'll test you for free, and send you home for a self-quarantine until we know the results.
• Your self-quarantine is not a vacation. Be sure not to leave your apartment for any reason, no matter how you feel. If you run out of food, have it delivered to your house.
  
• If you go on vacation and come back to Korea with the swine flu, know that your school will fire you for it.
• Assume your school is completely clean, because your students clean the entire school with rags and water. Those fancy sanitizing sprays aren't needed, since they're dangerous and will only make people sick.
  

The post you have just read is satire - none of it is real. Well, the swine flu is real, and the guy that got fired for catching the swine flu while on vacation is real. Hat tips for satirical ideas to Roboseyo, Brian in Jeollanam-do, Places and Words, and Jason from kimchi-icecream.

© Chris Backe - 2009