Hearing Test and Urine Sample

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Warning:  The second half of this blog entry contains info on certain body parts that might be considered graphic.  Or funny.  Or both.  Either way, it's real.  Can't make this stuff up.  Maybe it's potentially graphic just cause I don't know what those body parts are that are mentioned in the documents below.  I don't want to assume that the subject is okay with all parents and more importantly, their kids.  Please preview before letting your teen read this.

Anyway, another annual flight physical done.  As part of the physical, I get an eye exam, EKG, blood drawn, HIV test, shots, audiology exam and a once over with a flight surgeon.  BTW, I really don't like that audiology exam.  They sit you down in this quiet booth with some very uncomfortable headphones on and a little clicker in your hand with a red button.  Seriously, the "foam" material on the headphones is like a dang brick pressed up against your ears.  You're supposed to push the red button every time you hear a series of three beeps.  The problem is, it's easy to get distracted by the rustling of your clothes, the other guys sitting next to you taking the test, your own breathing, the sound of your own heartbeat and the dudes in the hallway yapping their gums.  I end up having to time my breathing so I can hear the beeps as best as I can.  It's just a painful couple of minutes in that booth.  I swear I fell asleep once during the hearing test.  Either that or I momentarily blacked out from holding my breath.  Not cool.  Just to let you quiet talkers know, I'm half deaf cause of all the jet noise over the last 15+ years.  It definitely takes its toll.  If I ask you to repeat yourself during a conversation, please understand that my ears are a little more than challenged.  Carrier aviation will do that to you.

There's also the urine sample during the flight physical.  Check out what was hanging on the wall in the urine sample room during my most recent physical.  To make reading it easier, you'll have to click on it to enlarge it:

Instructions for males

A couple of observations with these instructions:

- One day we'll live in a world where we don't need separate instructions for the circumcised and uncircumcised.  I can dream.

- With step 3, are they saying to stop peeing mid-stream and then pee in the cup?  I think it's easier to get a date with Angelina Jolie than to stop and start like that.  I'm guessing they don't want the first droplets of pee in the cup because they might be contaminated or something?  First pee = bad pee?  I had no idea.

- Also with step 3.  I'm glad this step told me not to stick my finger in the pee cup, cause that's my first instinct after peeing in the cup - to stick my finger in the pee.

Instructions for females

- With step 1, "Swing on knee to the side" - peeing, swinging - sounds extremely complicated.  

- Again with step 3.  So you're swinging on a knee, peeing mid-stream and holding a cup on the outside - all without seeing what's happening, right?  If it's a dirty toilet seat, I'm guessing you're doing the helicopter hover technique too so as not to make physical contact with the seat.  That's Houdini-esque.  Ladies, you've got my respect.

For males and females, circumcised and uncircumcised, I never knew the urine collection process could be so complicated.  Silly me, I thought the instructions should have read, "Pee in cup.  Period."  I should just be grateful that there wasn't an observer looking over my shoulder the whole time checking out my junk while I was doing my thing.  That's intimidating.  You know, not cause of the nakedness thing but cause of peeing only 29 milliliters vice the mandatory 30 milliliters.  Embarrassing.  I think the observers were too busy yapping their gums in the hallway near the audiology booth.

Side note - there was nobody in the hall making noise, not at this hospital anyway.  I'm just rambling for effect, although the loud people in the hallway thing has happened in the past during previous hearing exams back in the US.  And yes, I'm guessing the "swing on knee" thing is a typo.  Just saying.

BTW - I got an "A" on my urine test, first pee droplets and all.  


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